Something that I love about blogging is that I can make it my own.
I love clothing and trends and coffee and photography. I also love to write.
I have a therapeutic system of writing feelings that I cannot express in any other way.
This section of words was written during the very end of a terribly hard season for me. I had just moved to California and I was looking back and reflecting on what truths I had held myself to that were inaccurate. Reflecting on reality and leaning into sadness in order to push through into a new and beautiful season of life.
It is edited because there is no purpose in revealing the specific and personal situations I originally wrote about. But it’s real and raw and still hits a nerve for me because there are women who are still merely surviving instead of living fully in relationships that are causing more harm than good.
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“I think that I want to understand the reason that I, or women in general, go back to things that have hurt us so deeply and permanently scarred us.
He did unreasonable things. He sometimes treated me like I didn’t deserve to be loved or deserve to be respected. Like I had to earn that. He lied to me all of the time. About meeting other girls. Girls I know about and girls I don’t. He came to me when he needed me. And I let him. He came when he needed me to make him feel better. When he wanted to be someone better. Not that I could do that for him. The problems, his anger and moods. The ups and the downs. The insecurities that left me in pieces. The issues that were not mine to fix. The issues that, looking back, were also a result of holding on out of comfort and safety. Safety that wasn’t safe.
I should have understood that it was long past time to let go.
And after all of that, on some unforgiving nights, that quiet, aching part deep inside reaches out with a feeling that isn’t really hope, or need, just longing for a familiar voice. A familiar banter. A voice that knows you, knows you at your weakest and at your strongest. One that isn’t necessarily happy or kind. A conversation filled with one sided thoughts. But two sided word bubbles.
“It was your fault lol”
It was not all my fault. One moment I am hopefully planning our cross country road trip and the next moment you are gone. Silence. Emptiness where there was once feeling. Which, looking back, I should have realized faded long before I did. This whole thing, this ending, was not entirely my fault. It was a long time coming.
A build up of words and sadness and hurt that came crashing down at our unprepared feet.
What do you do when the thing that you want fades from your grasp right before your eyes? And what do you do when you realize that you don’t know why you want what you want and that you wish with all of your might that your heart would catch up with your head?
I will wake up in the morning and remind myself that feelings at night are often unwelcome and not to be trusted. Nighttime emotions are not allowed to play a part in life’s regular routine.
I’m not sure if that chapter will ever be closed. And until then, I will continue to write it.”
Obviously, that chapter has closed.
Now let’s be very, very clear: All of my own insecurities were added to this relationship.
Relationships are a two way street and immature relationships have such power to mold you. Bringing the crap that happened to me in my life to this relationship without healing, did not make a good mixture.
Oh the things we would all do differently if we could go back in time.
But thankfully, that chapter can end in these words:
“Thank you for letting me go.”
And a new chapter can begin filled with love and hope from a source that is unending and unconditional. Finding joy in Jesus is unlike any other. Truly, it is. It doesn’t sway. It isn’t impacted by your appearance or your actions. And it’s hard, yes. But if you can take a step back and look at your life from an outside perspective, or even a perspective of 5 years down the road, what immediate feeling comes over you? Hope? Dread? Anxiety? Peace?
I know when I looked ahead at the time that the feelings I was referencing in this excerpt were occurring, the emotions running through my head were fear and heartache as well as these thoughts:
“How will I teach my future children unconditional love with a Father like this?”
“How can I say how I’m feeling without him making me feel incompetent?”
And then, as months passed by, the thoughts drifted towards:
“How do I make him stay?”
“How can I make myself desirable enough so that he doesn’t want anyone else?”
“If I post enough pictures of us, maybe the other girls will get the idea and back off…”
You can’t make someone love you. And you shouldn’t have to.
The love that I been shown since that relationship, and the love that I see in others who are in Christ-centered relationships, has given me hope and started the healing process within me.
Not totally sure why I felt lead to post this today, but I hope that it reached the person that it needed to.
You are worth so much.
Your thoughts are valuable.
Your dreams are important.
Your feelings are welcome.
Want to chat further about this topic? I’m always only an email or direct message away!
Would love to hear your thoughts.